Crotch Rocket
by MakoHeadrush
Summary: Reno spies the keys to Fenrir on the bar when Cloud sneaks off to take a nap. It wouldn't hurt to take the bike for a little spin, right? Well, that's what Reno thought. Set post-AC, just anothe Reno Does Something Idiotic story that borders on crack. Rated M for Reno's foul mouth.


**Usual disclaimer: Don't own the characters but wish I did, Square Enix does. This is written for fun and not profit.**

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><em>"You're an idiot, Reno."<em>

It wasn't the first time Reno had heard those words directed at him, nor was it the first time he'd heard them uttered by his partner. More often than not, Reno would grin, wave off the observation and go right on ahead with whatever harebrained scheme he'd drummed up.

Nothing ever changed, although what Reno was now considering might be the stupidest thing he'd ever thought of doing; one that had the potential to get himself killed. Reno and Rude were sitting at the bar at Seventh Heaven, Tifa busily serving customers who were starting to file in for Happy Hour specials.

Cloud had returned not too long ago himself, exhausted from a long day of deliveries. He'd gone behind the bar to get himself a glass of water, briefly said hello to Reno and Rude, and quickly excused himself, explaining that he was going to take a brief nap in his rented room upstairs.

As the blond swordsman trudged upstairs, a silvery glint caught Reno's eye. There, lying on the bar, was a key ring with a wolf emblem. Reno grabbed them quickly, a wide grin spreading across his face as he realized just what they were the keys to.

"Oh shit, Rude!" Reno crowed. "Cloud left the keys to Fenrir on the bar. Think I'll take 'er for a little spin…"

"No, Reno," Rude interrupted. "Just NO. Bad idea."

Reno scoffed at Rude's protest. "Tch! I know how to ride a damned motorcycle Rude. Don't worry, I can handle Cloud's little crotch rocket." He tittered at his own joke, while Rude rolled his eyes and groaned. He knew there was no _way_ this could end well.

"Crotch rocket? Hardly. Fenrir is _not_ a typical motorcycle, Reno," Rude cautioned. "It's the size of three of those little motorcycles that you're used to riding."

"Whatever. The controls are all the same, yo," Reno argued. "I'll be fine!" He snuck a look over at Tifa; she was working the tables waiting on customers, and was well distracted. Perfect time to sneak out. "Listen, cover for me, Rude. I'll be right back, and nobody will be the wiser."

"You're an idiot, Reno," Rude growled.

Outside, Fenrir was parked beneath a streetlight, its fenders gleaming obsidian illuminated by the overhead lights. Reno took a moment to take in the sight of the beastly, oversized motorcycle; oh, it was sexy and exuded power, much like its owner. The Turk found his mind wandering as he stared at the long, leather covered seat, imagining those powerful thighs straddling it.

Reno swallowed hard as he gripped the handlebars and threw one skinny leg over the hulking motorcycle. "My ass is gonna hurt in the morning," he muttered to himself, and then laughed, amused by his own comment. "And for different reasons than the usual."

The key slid easily into the ignition and with one quick turn, Fenrir roared to life. Reno flinched at the sound of the engine, and leaned into the bike, moaning slightly from the thrumming vibrations between his legs.

_This thing is like a fucking vibrator on wheels,_ Reno thought. _ I'm amazed Cloud doesn't come in his pants every time he goes for a ride._ He chuckled at the thought. _Long day of deliveries, my ass. Probably getting his rocks off on his mobile fuck toy._

Cloud had quickly drifted into a catnap the minute his head hit the pillow; his eyes snapped open and he woke up just as quickly when he heard the familiar sound of his beloved motorcycle's engine. The swordsman robotically got up and pulled his boots back on, tromping down the stairs noisily as his eyes frantically dashed about the bar.

"Tifa!" Cloud shouted. "I just heard Fenrir start up - "

Tifa looked at him quizzically, then cocked her ear toward the door. "Oh...huh," she replied with a shrug of her shoulders. "They all sound the same to me, really...are you sure it's Fenrir and not some other motorcycle? Where are your keys, anyway?"

Cloud felt in his pockets and shook his head, the look on his face was frantic and helpless. "Not on me," he replied. "Maybe I left them on the bar - " He suddenly noticed Rude sitting there. Alone. Without Reno.

Something was definitely off about that. "Rude - did you see anything? Where's Reno?"

Rude grunted and drained the rest of his beer. "Cloud. I suggest you get outside soon, before Reno does something stupid. He took your keys...I tried to stop him, but the idiot won't listen - "

"Doesn't seem like you tried very hard," Cloud retorted, rushing to the door. Flinging it open, he was horrified to see Reno astride his precious Fenrir, attempting to let out the throttle. He pulled his goggles down and leaned into the bike again, tires squealing as he took off, the motorcycle wobbling crazily as he rode down the street in an unsteady path.

"Reno!" Cloud shouted, running after the motorcycle. "Pull over, you asshole!" If Reno stopped the bike - if he had even _heard_ Cloud shouting after him - the swordsman vowed to kick Turk ass all over the street.

Fortunately for Cloud, and not so fortunately for Fenrir - Reno couldn't seem to steady the massive bike, and was weaving to and fro over the narrow cobblestone-lined streets of outer Edge. He clipped a few parked cars before the bike leaned sideways, dragging Reno along with it until the redhead tumbled off in a bruised heap, muttering and cursing until he glanced back to see a fist connecting with his face.

Cloud was angry; that much was plain to see. Reno couldn't remember seeing the blond this furious before. _Well..maybe when Sephiroth came back_, he thought with a grin.

"The hell are you laughing about, asshole?" Cloud barked. "You stole my bike. You Shinra lapdogs are all the same, taking things that don't belong to you," he growled, eyes flashing blue fire.

"Hey! Didn't mean any harm!" Reno argued weakly. "Just...wanted to take it for a spin."

"You should have asked," Cloud snapped. "Instead of stealing my keys when I was asleep."

"I fucked up," Reno admitted glumly. "You're right. Totally my bad. I should have asked - " The Turk squinted at Cloud, his words suddenly registering meaning in his brain.

"Wait a minute, Cloud," Reno went on. "What do you mean, I should have asked? You never woulda taken me out for a ride!" he argued.

Cloud frowned at Reno, then released the lapels of his jacket; he hadn't even realized he'd been gripping them tightly in his rage. "Who knows, maybe I would have," Cloud replied, shrugging his shoulders. "It's certainly a better alternative than _this_," he said, glancing down at the fallen motorcycle. He looked over at Reno who was still rubbing his jaw from where he'd been punched.

"Help me stand this up, huh?" Cloud muttered. It was more of an order than a request, and a guilt-laden Reno dutifully complied.

"I'm sorry," Reno apologized again. "I really am. I know you're kind of nuts about this bike - "

"Did you know I built Fenrir from scratch?" Cloud asked him, rubbing out some scuffs on the giant fenders with a gloved hand. "I poured my heart and soul into building this bike. Hell, Tifa even dumped me because of it," he laughed softly. "Said I loved Fenrir more than her." Reno laughed uneasily with Cloud, but could sense the hint of sadness behind his self-deprecating laughter.

"Cloud...seriously, man. I'm sorry. Sorry I messed up your bike," Reno apologized, as sincerely as he could muster. He hoped Cloud believed him, for he really meant it. "I'll pay for the repairs, I swear - "

"It's not really a question about the repairs," Cloud replied. "I'll do the work myself, of course. Just...Fenrir's the first thing I ever had that I could call my own. So...if I seem overprotective, that'd be why. Might seem silly to some people to be like that over a 'hunk of metal', but...well, that's just the way it is."

"Nah, not silly at all," Reno replied. He gave Cloud a friendly clap on the back; the blond stiffened at first, then relaxed a bit, hoping that Reno really meant what he was saying. Cloud still didn't trust Shinra - or the Turks - but he believed Reno when he said he wanted to pay for the damage. The redhead certainly seemed like he wanted to make things right.

"I have to ask, though..." Cloud began, hesitating some as he pondered the question. "What made you decide to do such a dumbassed thing like trying to steal my motorcycle?"

"You said it," Reno muttered, shaking his head. "Dumbass. I'm a _dumbass_. Hell, ask Rude, he'll tell you. Ask Tseng, or Elena."

"Or Rufus?" Cloud interjected, smirking.

"Yeah...or Rufus," Reno agreed, chuckling. "They'll all tell you I don't always think first."

Cloud snorted. "Yeah...that much is obvious. Well..." The swordsman pulled up the kickstand on Fenrir and began the arduous task of pushing the bike back several blocks toward home.

"You can start making it up to me by helping me push," Cloud told Reno. "Here. Take the handlebars on the right-hand side," he instructed him.

"All right," Reno nodded. "Listen...I promise, I won't pull any dumb shit like that again. When it's all fixed though...would you consider giving me a ride?"

Cloud rolled his eyes skyward, but gave Reno a small, sideways grin. "Guess you'll have to wait and see."

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><p><strong>Author's Note: "Crotch rocket," if you're not familiar with the phrase, is just slang for a motorcycle - generally of the lightweight variety. My father, however, applied the term to ALL motorcycles, and when I was younger, forbade me from dating any "knuckleheaded guys who come and pick you up on their crotch rocket." <strong>

**So naturally, I went out and got a motorcycle license and bought my own little roadster. Take that, DAD. Ha! Hope you enjoyed this little "Reno Does Something Stupid" tale. Please review if you are so inclined, I love getting feedback from my readers!**


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